I don't know about you, but for the past few years I've been hearing a lot of people redefining their age. According to these people, 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40. I hear this a lot, especially from people who just turned 40 or 50. It's almost as if they are trying to curb the aging process. In their minds, if they think they're really ten years younger, they'll look and feel ten years younger. I could turn this blog into a rant about how stupid this is, but I'm not. In fact, it's not stupid at all. People who redefine their age are right to do so because it makes sense. The whole numbering system that we use is incorrect. However, the idiots that claim these random changes such as 40 being the new 30 should be quiet because they have no idea what they're talking about. Here is the new, improved numbering system that everyone should follow:
Ages 1-10 -- As is, this age bracket is pretty much correct. Besides 8 being the new 7 and 6 being the new 80, everything else is right.
Ages 11-20 -- This is where everything gets messed up. 11 is the new 11. 12 is the new bread basket. 13 is the new 12. 14 is the new 15. 15 doesn't exist anymore. 16 is the new 1. 17 is the new 16. 18 is the same. 19 is the new 3.14. Finally, 20 is what we call lizards now.
Ages 21-30 -- 21-25 stay the same. 26, like 13, is the new 12. 27 and 28 are the new letters of the alphabet. 27 follows the letter Q and 28 follows the letter U. They need a new song. 29 got its head beat in. 30 is the 246.
Ages 31-40 -- This whole bracket is gone. The phrase, "don't trust anyone over 30" has been changed to "anyone over 30 and below 40 is dead, their families are dead, their pets are dead and no one cares."
Ages 41-50 -- 41 is the new star of the hit Broadway musical "Cats 2: We're All in Heat." 42 is the new 19. 43 got hit by a cab. 44 was Rick Fox's number when he played in the NBA. It's also the new negative 9. 45 is the new 44. 46 traveled back in time when numbers didn't exist and came back as a peanut. 47 is allergic to peanuts so it inflated to 4,444,444,444,777,777,777,777. 48 claims to be the new spokesperson for 49. 49 denies the existence of 48. 50 is the new 40 (The masses actually got that one right).
Ages 51-60 -- 51 is the new loneliest number. They need a new song. 52 was the number that brought episode 234 of Seaseme Street to us. It was never seen again. 53 is the new 666 (be afraid of 53). 54 got its head beat in. 55 sucks. 56 is the new 55. 57 doesn't exist anymore. 58 is an asshole. 59 told me that 58 is an asshole. 60 is the new Jewish crime fighter, Jewman.
Ages 61-100 -- Surprisingly there are not many changes in this entire bracket. I'm not getting bored with this. Seriously, there aren't many changes. 73 had a huge dispute with 72 and ended up shotgunning it into oblivion while taking 71, 74, and 75 with it. It later killed itself. 100 is the new 10. 82 is now the new whole goddamned planet. We don't live on Earth, we live on people aged 82. 99 is just 66 upside down, you didn't know that? And 86 is the new new Jewish crime fighter, Super Jewman.
There you go. If everyone just follows this simple, easy to follow numbering system we should be okay. No more 50 is the new 40, okay? Actually that one is okay, but no more 40 is the new 30. I mean it.
Oh yeah, and anyone over the age of 100 gets shot due to a flaw in the newly created system. We're better off, anyway. I figure I'd let you know.
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