How to make Nasty Ass Chicken

How To Make Nasty Ass Chicken

I know what you're thinking. What is nasty ass chicken? If that wasn't what you were thinking then re-read the title of this article because you were probably daydreaming about something else.

You will need:

Boneless, skinless chicken breast
Tupperware containers
KC Masterpiece Steakhouse Marinade
Refrigerator
George Foreman Grill
About a Day
The motivation to actually do this


Step one:

Purchase a pack of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Pretty simple task. Anyone can do it. Perhaps the task would be a little challenging for someone without legs and especially without arms, but it would be still possible.

Step two:

Cut the boneless, skinless chicken breasts into thinner and smaller pieces. If you want, you do not have to do this, however they will take longer to cook, and the chance of burning the outside is heightened. Actually, just cut them, its my instructions. I tell you what to do, so just do it. They wont burn if you do what I say.

Step three:

Place the now smaller, boneless, skinnless chicken breasts (okay, from now on I'm going to just call it chicken. I'm tired of writing the boneless, skinless part) into tupperware containers. Not rubbermaid. Make sure they are tupperware and not rubbermaid. No, just kidding. It doesn't matter in the slightest. Now, take the KC Masterpiece marinade and pour it into the tupperware containers, making sure to coat and cover the chicken.

Step four:

Put the lid on the container(s).

Step five:

Shake the container(s) vigorously.

Step six:

Realize that steps four and five could have been combined.

Step seven:

Place containers in fridge for a day. Doesn't have to be a day, a few hours is okay. But the flavor comes out better the longer they stay in there. However, lets be reasonable about this.If you keep the chicken in the fridge for a week, the flavor wont be any better. It will most likely be worse and may even harm your body in some way.

Step eight:

Go about daily routine. Sleep. Poop. Eat. Go to work. Rake leaves. Groom pets. Display artwork. Etc.

Step nine:

Take chicken out of fridge and place on preheated George Foreman Grill. Yes, you need a george foreman grill for this. Or any grill, I guess. NO! It has to be a George Foreman grill. These are my instructions, dammit!

Step ten:

Cook until done. I hate when recipe's say shit like this. I looked up the recipe SO I WOULD KNOW WHEN IT WAS DONE! Maybe I don't know how to cook chicken. Maybe this is my first time! But seriously though, just cook it until its done.   You will know when it is done because it will look like nasty ass chicken (also make sure the insides of the chicken are not pink).

Step eleven:

Eat (well no shit).

You can serve this with anything you want. I don't care what you do. The reciepe is over. You can mix it with mud for all I care. But it goes well with a southwest style rice/corn mix.

Buy Book. Name Baby.

Buy book. Name Baby.

     I typed "baby names" into Amazon and wound up with 17,502 results. A lot of these results were books, however there were a few oddities among the video game, musical instrument, and grocery and gourmet food sections. We needn't bother with them, as I will just be focusing on the books. Typing "baby names" into the book section of Amazon nets 2,062 results. Yes, that's right. 2,062. Is there really a need for over 2,000 books to exist solely for the purposes of naming a child? I thought naming a child is a fairly simple task. You pick a name and give it to your child. Is that hard? Does that really require a book? Lets not even talk about 2,000. Does a single, solitary book even need to exist for this reason? I don't think so and I'll tell you why (and a future blog may discuss the 15,440 results Amazon gave me that weren't in the book section. Really Amazon. Musical instruments?).

25,001 names. Bet most of them are stupid.

    For one, names are all over the place. We literally come into contact with dozens and dozens of names per day. Here are several examples. Hi Dan. Hi Sally. What's up John? How ya doing Luke? Hey Paul, ever meet my friend Fred? Do you need me to get that for you, Kim? Are you sure you can handle that steam roller, Eddie? Are you okay with me tying your shoes together, Kevin? What's wrong with your face, Mary? Oh my God, what's wrong with your face, Alex!? I didn't know you have 3rd degree burns on your knees, Susy? See. We say names, we hear names, we think about names, and we generally come into contact with names all the time. So why do I need an entire book that lists names I hear and use on a daily basis?

     I know you're probably thinking, "but those books list thousands of different names! Cool and clever names that no one has ever heard of!" And I'm thinking, "the reason why no one has ever heard of them is because they're stupid names that no one wants." Look at this book right here. It's called "25,001 Best Baby Names." Can there really be 25,001 best baby names? I'd think that after about 50 or so, the names start to get stupid. And then at 100, really stupid. And then at 1000, really God damn awful and stupid. And then at 25,000, really fucking ridiculous and awful and stupid and dumb and terrible and horrendous and idiotic. In fact, the last couple thousand are probably just that -- numbers in the thousands. I don't want to name my kid 23,543. And why just 25,001? I'd hate to think Flarrisoooon got left off the list. Oh, I guess its the 25,002nd best name. And 25,001 isn't even the worst. There's a book called "The Complete Book of Baby Names" which names 100,000 baby names!!! How is it possible? Is that a name right there? "How Is It Possible." It must be.

Too. Many. Names.

     If you have ever paged through a few of those books, you'll notice that the top baby names for every year are not the "cool and clever" names, but the popular names that everyone knows. Jacob, Ethan, Michael, and Alexander for boys. Emily, Sophia, Chloe, and Emma for girls. If the majority seem to pick out regular, everyday normal names for their child, why do we have books that list names like "Tabb," "Mander," and "Darthmouth." Who in their right mind would name their child, Darthmouth? "I'd like you to meet my son, Darthmouth. We were going to name him after me, but we decided to give him a name that makes it sound like he's a dental hygienist from Star Wars. It's cool! We got it from a book!" See how stupid it is when you say you named your child because of a book. Think for yourself, for Christs sake.

     And perhaps the biggest reason as to why baby naming books are unnecessary, is because you probably have one sitting in your house right now. No, it's not an official baby naming book, but it's a book filled with names, nonetheless. Not only that, it's delivered right to your house. For free! It's called a phone book. I know they're a little out of style these days, but I bet you have one! I do. Not only are they great for smashing someone in the face, but they list tons of NAMES! Names that you can give to your child. Logical names too. You probably wont find a single Darthmouth or Tabb living in your area. You will, however find plenty to choose from. And then when you pick a name, you can call the person you named your child after and congragulate the man or woman for the inspiration. It will make them feel good. Baby naming books don't have addresses in them. And they also don't list places that I can call to get rid of termites.

Here's your damn naming book! Right Here!

     Again, baby naming books don't need to exist. I'm not going to consult the "The Baby Name Wizard: A Magical Method for Finding the Perfect Name for Your Baby" to choose a name for my child. I will confer with my significant other and we will come to a conclusion. NO BOOKS INVOLVED. People who name their child something odd usually already have an idea of the odd name they will choose. I highly doubt that someone who names their child Billy Goat Tree got it from book, let alone even reads, let alone even knows what a book is.

     I have no idea what I will name my child when and if I ever have one. If I do, I will not buy a book to help me with the process. I will choose a name that means something to me. I just really hope my fiancee isn't big into Tabb. Really don't want a child named Tabb.

Percentage of water in things.

Photo of two people representing a conversation.

     I was recently having a conversation with a friend about the percentage of water in things. Like, you know -- the percentage of water in a cucumber, or the percentage of water in a carrot, or the percentage of water in a human being. I had no clue as to how much water a cucumber consisted of, so I looked it up. According to the internet, a cucumber consists of 95% water. Huh? Didn't know that. I proceeded to look up how much water a carrot consists of. 90%. Wow. That's weird. And then I looked up how much water a human being consists of. 60%. Hold up, internet, just hold up right there -- I wont allow you to lie to me like this anymore.

A glass of wat....I mean a cucumber.

     I'm pretty baffled at the fact that a solid vegetable contains a near equal amount of water as my bathtub does when I take a bath at night (yes, I still take baths). Are they telling me that I can fill my tub up with cucumbers and take a bath? I'll try it sometime and let the internet know how that goes. During the summer, when we have water balloon fights, instead of filling them with water, I'll just jam some baby carrots in them -- they consist of 90 percent water, right? That's about the actual amount of water you can fit in one of those balloons. And myself? Sitting in this chair right here? It equals 60 percent water? Can I drown? Like, right now? That seems to be a lot of water floating around in me. Or is it not floating and does it just make up my bones and muscle and stuff? According to the internet, muscles are made up of 75% water. I'm guessing the other 25% is muscle? I don't know, I guess? Maybe the other 25% is water too?

This cucumber looks ripe. I mean the glass looks full.

     I don't think I believe any of this nonsense. So they mean to tell me that when I buy a cucumber I'm not actually buying a cucumber? I'm sorry, but the sign at the store said, "Cucumbers, 4 for a dollar." Not, "water."And when I eat a cucumber, I'm actually eating mostly water? Am I understanding this? My tap water doesn't even contain 95% water. Probably closer to 80% with the rest being dangerous and poisonous chemicals. Wait, wait, wait. Water doesn't contain 5% cucumber, does it? Cuz if it does, a lot of people have some explaining to do to me.

     I know they say that the Earth is made up of 75% water but is that taking into account all the cucumbers in the world? This is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night. If they take all the cucumbers, all the carrots, all the humans, and everything else that contains water into account, I'd be willing to bet that Earth is actually closer to 93% water, or maybe even more. I bet we're not even breathing air right now, we're all under water. And this keyboard I'm typing on? 78% water. How bout that sandwich I ate earlier? Woah, 100% water! Actually, wait, I didn't eat a sandwich earlier, I had a glass of water. I'm sorry, I confused the two.

Amount of water in this photo -- 86%

     Now, I can understand other beverages besides water containing water, because, you know, they're liquids. They need to use water as a base, and then flavor, carbonate, sweeten, and caffeinate the shit out of it. I understand that my sprite here contains 92% water, with the rest of it containing flavors and whatnot, because, you know, it's liquid. But what I don't understand is how a cucumber contains more water than a beverage like sprite. HOW THE HELL IS THAT POSSIBLE???!!! Why?! This is angering me now. It's actually making me mad. How can this be? Why would God let this happen? One is a drink and the other is a solid food but the solid food contains more water. This is as mind bending as that riddle, "what came first, the chicken or the egg?" But then you realize that chickens are actually evolved dinosaurs and that there was no chicken that crossed the road, but it was an egg that rolled accross the road and it fell into a cucumber patch and it made a huge splash and then the egg hatched but the egg was mostly water, so the dinosaur was mostly water and it was all surrounded by water because everything is water. And that's what came first. Water.

Top 6 classic board games from my youth......that when you think about it, were actually kind of stupid.

I asked for Mouse Trap for Christmas and I got this.

Mouse Trap -- I"m guessing that I'm just one of many who never, ever played this game the right way. It was more fun to just set the pieces up and watch the mouse get trapped. The fucking game was called Mouse Trap. All I wanted to do was watch a mouse get trapped as all the gadgets and gizmos worked together. That's why it was FUN! I didn't know how to play and never took the time to learn because all I wanted to do was TRAP THE MOUSE like the title indicates will happen! In fact, this should have never been a board game at all. It should have been marketed as a toy from the get go. Available to purchase could have been more toys to connect together. They could have had Dino Capture, Burgler Snag, Witch Pitfall, Ardvark Ensnarement, and Python Catch together creating a massive, rube goldberg type machine.

Sorry -- Look at this shit!  The makers even knew that their game sucked.  They apologize in the title. I don't remember much of this one other than the pieces looked like elongated Hershey Kisses.

Sam Jackson makes things funny.

Guess Who -- Guess?  Guess?!  What the fuck kind of game is this where you guess your way to victory.   Look kids, no skill involved!  Just randomly say names until you win! I copy and pasted these next few sentences from Wikipedia:  "In the United States, advertisements for the board game often showed the characters on the cards coming to life, and making witty comments to each other. This caused later editions of such ads to carry the spoken disclaimer line "game cards do not actually talk." in order to meet Federal Trade Commission advertising guidelines requiring full disclosure of toy features unable to be replicated with the actual product." Wow. Just wow.

Senile old man

Monopoly -- When this game was created in 1903, I'm sure it was the rage of the town. Nowadays, we have better things to do than to play a board game about real estate. It just simply takes too much time. When you start a game after dinner and goes until brunch the next day, the game sucks.  Period. I mean, the fact that they have to market this with fast food should be a sign that maybe the game is out dated. I've participated in the McDonalds Monopoly game more times than I've started an actual game. Too many rules and too many instructions to read. Just give me something simple, like.........

Hungry Hungry Hippos -- This is a game that involves smashing a little lever repeatedly, and that's about it. It's mostly luck and I'm sure sales of this game have been inflated due to breakage of the product.  Other than that, I don't know what else to say. Hippos don't really eat small white balls and their necks to elongate when they feed. They're not orange, green, red and pink and they probably don't violently fight in a square over what they eat. It's just very repetitive with no skill involved. And why little white balls? Is the game implying that hippos eat golf balls? Is it manufactured by the World Wildlife Fund in an attempt to show the dangers of hitting golf balls into hippo infested ponds?

Whoever goes first wins. Just like the actual game.

Connect Four --  Even though it's not really a board game, if you want to buy it, it's found near the board games, so I'll include it. This game relies entirely on the gimmick of watching a small object slide down a hole. It's like they manufactured to many checkers pieces and decided to make a game. What can be accomplished with this game can be accomplished by using a piece of paper and a pencil -- it's called tic-tac-toe. No objects will neatly slide into place, but it's quicker and about as much fun.

I just want the marshmallows, you idiot Leprechaun.

Cap'n messed up.

     Recently I discovered that there's a Cap'n Crunch cereal called, "Opps! All Berries." It's been around for a few years, but it's only released for a limited time when it comes out. It's just Cap'n Crunch with the shitty, actual cereal bits taken out and replaced with delicious, sugar loaded berry things. I wish the God damned makes of Lucky Charms would introduce a cereal called, "Son of a Bitch, We Messed Up and Put All Marshmallows in Here." Because those marshmallows, folks, are some of the greatest marshmallows created. I tried buying regular marshmallows and they didn't taste anything like the ones in Lucky Charms. This confused and disappointed me as a child. I just wanted the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. I remember my mother picking out the cereal for me and handing me a bowl of rainbows, horseshoes, yellow moons, and green clovers. And this was my dinner.

     "Son of a Bitch, We Messed Up and Put All Marshmallows in Here" would sell like hotcakes. How hard is it to take the cereal out? It's not like people like the cereal. It's just there....to be there. It's like a formality. They created these delicious marshmallows, but decided against selling them by themselves. They then created a cereal to put these marshmallows in and around. Why? To this day, when I eat Lucky Charms, I force myself to eat the crummy cereal first and save the scrumptious marshmallows last. I don't even know why I do that? Why the hell do I eat the cereal!? Why don't I just throw it away!? Because you know if I did someone would yell at me that I'm wasting food. That all the children in some foreign country are starving. But I don't even think they would want the cereal either. They'd just pick around the cereal and eat the marshmallows. And I bet that at least one poor, starving child out there didn't finish his meal because he was either full or didn't like it. And he threw the rest of that meal away. Did he think about the glutonous Americans who may have liked to have that? I bet not.

This is all I want.

     Now where was I? Oh yeah, Lucky Charms marshmallows. They need to make this cereal and not market it as a cereal at all. They need to market it as a snack to eat while playing video games. You know where they put the video games in Walmarts, Kmarts, and Targets? They need to also line the aisle with "Son of a Bitch, We Messed Up and Put All Marshmallows in Here" and there'd be no advertising needed. Us gamers would go bananas. Hell, we'd go over there to buy the marshmallows and decide to buy a game with it!

    Sometimes, cereal makers do the opposite of what I'm describing. Take Chex, for instance. They took the cereal -- a perfecty fine cereal as it is -- and added a bunch of shit to it. Sometimes, I'll go to buy Chex Mix and realize that I don't want pretzels, cheez-its, and those stale bread things -- I just want the fucking Chex! So then I go over to the cereal aisle and look for the Chex. Then I realize that there's two different kinds of Chex -- Corn and Rice. Well I don't know which one I always get! Then I realize that the cereal Crispix is like Chex, but one side is Corn and the other is Rice. So, by Chex introducing a shit ton of varieties in my face, I end up purchasing a competitors product.

I don't. Want. This other. SHIT!

     And wouldn't you know it, General Mills makes both Chex and Lucky Charms. They better get their act together and release Lucky Charms without the cereal and reduce the varieties of Chex or I"m going to boycott. But I will still eat Frosted Cheerios. And Boo Berry. And occasionally, when my bowels are acting up, Total. But I will boycott everything else. Except Bugles. They make Bugles. Fruit by the Foot and Gushers I will also still eat. But everything else, expect to be boycotted.

     Before I go, I want to introduce you to a web site -- the most glorious web site ever created. It's called http://www.cerealmarshmallows.com/. Here, you can skip the cereal and just buy the marshmallows!!! And you can order in bulk! For $399.99 you can order 95 pounds of cereal marshmallows. I know how I'm spending my income tax return.

How Many Licks Does it Take?

     How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?  I don't know.  Screw that boring, uninteresting question.  How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Earth?  Now that's a damn good question.  If your tongue and yourself had infinite life, I'd say it would take somewhere between 3 and 4 hundred billion years, which would put the licks somewhere in the "too hard to figure out because I suck at math" range.  If I started, right now, to try to lick my way to the center of the Earth, I'd probably last about 100 licks before my tongue started bleeding.

     But now a cat trying to lick it's way to the center of the Earth is a totally different question.  They have stronger, rougher tongues than us.  Which brings up another question.  How many licks does it take for a cat to get to the center of itself?  Wow.  Talk about a mind bender.  You'd think that for how much they lick themselves, one would have done it by now.  I think if a cat somehow got in an obsessive compulsive disorder type of loop while licking itself, it could happen.

     That commercial for Tootsie Pops just nipped the tiny edge of the iceberg.  There are so many more interesting things to lick to the center of.  I'd like to see Mr. Owl lick his way out of some kind of "Saw" like skull trap in a certain amount of time.  Because he was always so cocky in that commercial.  I'd like to see him get decapitated.  That lazy ass turtle isn't any better though.  He should be forced to lick his way to the center of a piece of shit.  But not just any piece of shit -- a Jupiter sized piece of shit that was shat out by God himself. 

     I mean, I don't know. There are so many things out there, I just want to see more commercials of that owl and turtle licking their way to the centers of things. An apple. An orange. A pear. A strawberry. A kangaroo. A muskrat. A pear. Oops, I already said that. A television set (one of those tube ones). A television set (one of those HD ones). A television set (one of those 3-D ones). A movie screen. A projector. Martin Sheen. A dvd copy of Turner and Hooch. A vhs copy of Turner and Hooch. The possibilities are endless!!! Even that sentence right there! How long would it take to lick your way to the center of the sentence, "the possibilities are endless!!!" These ideas are getting abstract. How many licks to the center of Victorian era sexual repression. How many licks to the center of Benjamin Franklin's thought process. How many licks to the center of a black hole's gravitational pull. 

      The most interesting question of all -- How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Internet?

Top 10 Youtube videos of fat people falling.

     The only thing funnier than a person falling on their ass is a fat person falling on their ass. I don't know why, but when an overweight or obese person falls, it just equals more laughs -- the way their tubby frame tumbles, gelatinous rolls rumble, and pudgy bodies plummet strikes the humor center in my brain more so than anything else. In fact, if you type in "fat people falling" into Youtube, a whole mess of compilation videos pop up, so I'm not the only one. I've carefully looked over every video I could find of fat people falling and made a top 10 list -- from funny to hilarious to gut bustingly hysterical. And I will comment and make fun of these people further.

Number 10:

     The title of this video alone makes me chuckle: "fat kid falls off a log into a lake."You just know your in for a treat.  Somehow, the fact that I don't understand Spanish makes it even more hilarious. I can't understand what the fat kid is yelling at first, but I know he's worried and panicked about the situation, pleading with his friend to stop. When he gets out of the water,  I like to think he's yelling about how he wishes his friend was stillborn.

Number 9:

     

     

     This video must have been digitally enhanced. There's no way that table would have supported her for that long without some kind of CGI.  I'm thinking she's some kind of scientist measuring how far she can bend the laws of gravity and physics. I like the fact that it looks like she was seriously injured in this fall. 

Number 8: 

     Another one of those scientists. In this case, she must have been testing the simultaneous effect of gravity on speed and weight. She also tries a 30 miles per hour, mid-air handstand. Not sure what would have been proven there.

Number 7:

     

     Quick, simple and to the point -- exactly how I like my fat people falling videos. In this video we see a young man mistaking a diving board for a trampoline. I wonder how many more times he was just going to bounce like that? Until he slipped and fell in, probably.

Number 6:

     

     Peer pressure. Gotta love it. Especially when it involves, yep, you guessed it, a fat person falling. I was hoping to hear him say "should I" a few dozen more times. If he didn't get his foot caught in between the posts, this video might not even be a candidate. Luckily, for us, he did and landed face first onto some dirt. 

Number 5: 

   

     This one is debatable. The woman isn't really fat but I had to include it anyway. I regularly have nightmares about the sounds she makes. 

Number 4:

     The title of this video should be changed. Instead of "falls from" it should be "falls through." I have no idea what this fatso was trying to do. Maybe that's how he enters every establishment. I love how he just hangs in mid-air for a few seconds. Maybe he thinks no one noticed. 

Number 3:

      One of my faves. It's enjoyable because as soon as the kid with the skateboard retaliates, a European patrol car is called in.  

Number 2:

 

    This wasn't an accident. It was a way of getting rid of that woman. Look at the way the guy just casually walks past her without telling her that THERE'S A HUGE HOLE IN THE FLOOR!!!! More devious and painful to watch than actually funny, but wow......no, no it's funny.

Number 1: 

     This is, in my opinion, the best video of a fat person falling. And a fat person doesn't even fall! While he doesn't fall to the ground and die, he falls out of his seat while his harnesses keep him alive. There are so many great things about this video: 1) He almost dies. 2) His girlish scream. 3) His Aunt not paying attention to his dire situation. 4) His aunt's laugh. 5) He almost dies. 6) I'm pretty sure at the :45 second mark his aunt turns into the Devil or Ray Liotta.