Buy Book. Name Baby.

Buy book. Name Baby.

     I typed "baby names" into Amazon and wound up with 17,502 results. A lot of these results were books, however there were a few oddities among the video game, musical instrument, and grocery and gourmet food sections. We needn't bother with them, as I will just be focusing on the books. Typing "baby names" into the book section of Amazon nets 2,062 results. Yes, that's right. 2,062. Is there really a need for over 2,000 books to exist solely for the purposes of naming a child? I thought naming a child is a fairly simple task. You pick a name and give it to your child. Is that hard? Does that really require a book? Lets not even talk about 2,000. Does a single, solitary book even need to exist for this reason? I don't think so and I'll tell you why (and a future blog may discuss the 15,440 results Amazon gave me that weren't in the book section. Really Amazon. Musical instruments?).

25,001 names. Bet most of them are stupid.

    For one, names are all over the place. We literally come into contact with dozens and dozens of names per day. Here are several examples. Hi Dan. Hi Sally. What's up John? How ya doing Luke? Hey Paul, ever meet my friend Fred? Do you need me to get that for you, Kim? Are you sure you can handle that steam roller, Eddie? Are you okay with me tying your shoes together, Kevin? What's wrong with your face, Mary? Oh my God, what's wrong with your face, Alex!? I didn't know you have 3rd degree burns on your knees, Susy? See. We say names, we hear names, we think about names, and we generally come into contact with names all the time. So why do I need an entire book that lists names I hear and use on a daily basis?

     I know you're probably thinking, "but those books list thousands of different names! Cool and clever names that no one has ever heard of!" And I'm thinking, "the reason why no one has ever heard of them is because they're stupid names that no one wants." Look at this book right here. It's called "25,001 Best Baby Names." Can there really be 25,001 best baby names? I'd think that after about 50 or so, the names start to get stupid. And then at 100, really stupid. And then at 1000, really God damn awful and stupid. And then at 25,000, really fucking ridiculous and awful and stupid and dumb and terrible and horrendous and idiotic. In fact, the last couple thousand are probably just that -- numbers in the thousands. I don't want to name my kid 23,543. And why just 25,001? I'd hate to think Flarrisoooon got left off the list. Oh, I guess its the 25,002nd best name. And 25,001 isn't even the worst. There's a book called "The Complete Book of Baby Names" which names 100,000 baby names!!! How is it possible? Is that a name right there? "How Is It Possible." It must be.

Too. Many. Names.

     If you have ever paged through a few of those books, you'll notice that the top baby names for every year are not the "cool and clever" names, but the popular names that everyone knows. Jacob, Ethan, Michael, and Alexander for boys. Emily, Sophia, Chloe, and Emma for girls. If the majority seem to pick out regular, everyday normal names for their child, why do we have books that list names like "Tabb," "Mander," and "Darthmouth." Who in their right mind would name their child, Darthmouth? "I'd like you to meet my son, Darthmouth. We were going to name him after me, but we decided to give him a name that makes it sound like he's a dental hygienist from Star Wars. It's cool! We got it from a book!" See how stupid it is when you say you named your child because of a book. Think for yourself, for Christs sake.

     And perhaps the biggest reason as to why baby naming books are unnecessary, is because you probably have one sitting in your house right now. No, it's not an official baby naming book, but it's a book filled with names, nonetheless. Not only that, it's delivered right to your house. For free! It's called a phone book. I know they're a little out of style these days, but I bet you have one! I do. Not only are they great for smashing someone in the face, but they list tons of NAMES! Names that you can give to your child. Logical names too. You probably wont find a single Darthmouth or Tabb living in your area. You will, however find plenty to choose from. And then when you pick a name, you can call the person you named your child after and congragulate the man or woman for the inspiration. It will make them feel good. Baby naming books don't have addresses in them. And they also don't list places that I can call to get rid of termites.

Here's your damn naming book! Right Here!

     Again, baby naming books don't need to exist. I'm not going to consult the "The Baby Name Wizard: A Magical Method for Finding the Perfect Name for Your Baby" to choose a name for my child. I will confer with my significant other and we will come to a conclusion. NO BOOKS INVOLVED. People who name their child something odd usually already have an idea of the odd name they will choose. I highly doubt that someone who names their child Billy Goat Tree got it from book, let alone even reads, let alone even knows what a book is.

     I have no idea what I will name my child when and if I ever have one. If I do, I will not buy a book to help me with the process. I will choose a name that means something to me. I just really hope my fiancee isn't big into Tabb. Really don't want a child named Tabb.