How Many Licks Does it Take?

     How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?  I don't know.  Screw that boring, uninteresting question.  How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Earth?  Now that's a damn good question.  If your tongue and yourself had infinite life, I'd say it would take somewhere between 3 and 4 hundred billion years, which would put the licks somewhere in the "too hard to figure out because I suck at math" range.  If I started, right now, to try to lick my way to the center of the Earth, I'd probably last about 100 licks before my tongue started bleeding.

     But now a cat trying to lick it's way to the center of the Earth is a totally different question.  They have stronger, rougher tongues than us.  Which brings up another question.  How many licks does it take for a cat to get to the center of itself?  Wow.  Talk about a mind bender.  You'd think that for how much they lick themselves, one would have done it by now.  I think if a cat somehow got in an obsessive compulsive disorder type of loop while licking itself, it could happen.

     That commercial for Tootsie Pops just nipped the tiny edge of the iceberg.  There are so many more interesting things to lick to the center of.  I'd like to see Mr. Owl lick his way out of some kind of "Saw" like skull trap in a certain amount of time.  Because he was always so cocky in that commercial.  I'd like to see him get decapitated.  That lazy ass turtle isn't any better though.  He should be forced to lick his way to the center of a piece of shit.  But not just any piece of shit -- a Jupiter sized piece of shit that was shat out by God himself. 

     I mean, I don't know. There are so many things out there, I just want to see more commercials of that owl and turtle licking their way to the centers of things. An apple. An orange. A pear. A strawberry. A kangaroo. A muskrat. A pear. Oops, I already said that. A television set (one of those tube ones). A television set (one of those HD ones). A television set (one of those 3-D ones). A movie screen. A projector. Martin Sheen. A dvd copy of Turner and Hooch. A vhs copy of Turner and Hooch. The possibilities are endless!!! Even that sentence right there! How long would it take to lick your way to the center of the sentence, "the possibilities are endless!!!" These ideas are getting abstract. How many licks to the center of Victorian era sexual repression. How many licks to the center of Benjamin Franklin's thought process. How many licks to the center of a black hole's gravitational pull. 

      The most interesting question of all -- How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Internet?