I just want the marshmallows, you idiot Leprechaun.

Cap'n messed up.

     Recently I discovered that there's a Cap'n Crunch cereal called, "Opps! All Berries." It's been around for a few years, but it's only released for a limited time when it comes out. It's just Cap'n Crunch with the shitty, actual cereal bits taken out and replaced with delicious, sugar loaded berry things. I wish the God damned makes of Lucky Charms would introduce a cereal called, "Son of a Bitch, We Messed Up and Put All Marshmallows in Here." Because those marshmallows, folks, are some of the greatest marshmallows created. I tried buying regular marshmallows and they didn't taste anything like the ones in Lucky Charms. This confused and disappointed me as a child. I just wanted the marshmallows in Lucky Charms. I remember my mother picking out the cereal for me and handing me a bowl of rainbows, horseshoes, yellow moons, and green clovers. And this was my dinner.

     "Son of a Bitch, We Messed Up and Put All Marshmallows in Here" would sell like hotcakes. How hard is it to take the cereal out? It's not like people like the cereal. It's just there....to be there. It's like a formality. They created these delicious marshmallows, but decided against selling them by themselves. They then created a cereal to put these marshmallows in and around. Why? To this day, when I eat Lucky Charms, I force myself to eat the crummy cereal first and save the scrumptious marshmallows last. I don't even know why I do that? Why the hell do I eat the cereal!? Why don't I just throw it away!? Because you know if I did someone would yell at me that I'm wasting food. That all the children in some foreign country are starving. But I don't even think they would want the cereal either. They'd just pick around the cereal and eat the marshmallows. And I bet that at least one poor, starving child out there didn't finish his meal because he was either full or didn't like it. And he threw the rest of that meal away. Did he think about the glutonous Americans who may have liked to have that? I bet not.

This is all I want.

     Now where was I? Oh yeah, Lucky Charms marshmallows. They need to make this cereal and not market it as a cereal at all. They need to market it as a snack to eat while playing video games. You know where they put the video games in Walmarts, Kmarts, and Targets? They need to also line the aisle with "Son of a Bitch, We Messed Up and Put All Marshmallows in Here" and there'd be no advertising needed. Us gamers would go bananas. Hell, we'd go over there to buy the marshmallows and decide to buy a game with it!

    Sometimes, cereal makers do the opposite of what I'm describing. Take Chex, for instance. They took the cereal -- a perfecty fine cereal as it is -- and added a bunch of shit to it. Sometimes, I'll go to buy Chex Mix and realize that I don't want pretzels, cheez-its, and those stale bread things -- I just want the fucking Chex! So then I go over to the cereal aisle and look for the Chex. Then I realize that there's two different kinds of Chex -- Corn and Rice. Well I don't know which one I always get! Then I realize that the cereal Crispix is like Chex, but one side is Corn and the other is Rice. So, by Chex introducing a shit ton of varieties in my face, I end up purchasing a competitors product.

I don't. Want. This other. SHIT!

     And wouldn't you know it, General Mills makes both Chex and Lucky Charms. They better get their act together and release Lucky Charms without the cereal and reduce the varieties of Chex or I"m going to boycott. But I will still eat Frosted Cheerios. And Boo Berry. And occasionally, when my bowels are acting up, Total. But I will boycott everything else. Except Bugles. They make Bugles. Fruit by the Foot and Gushers I will also still eat. But everything else, expect to be boycotted.

     Before I go, I want to introduce you to a web site -- the most glorious web site ever created. It's called http://www.cerealmarshmallows.com/. Here, you can skip the cereal and just buy the marshmallows!!! And you can order in bulk! For $399.99 you can order 95 pounds of cereal marshmallows. I know how I'm spending my income tax return.