"A Little Elfen Magic Goes a Long Way"

 

      It came to my attention today that Keebler Elves are not real and do not actually make cookies. They do not use their "elfen magic" and it does not go a "long way." If you are un-aware of their slogan, it goes, "A little elfen magic goes a long way." Oh. Does it. I saw that phrase plastered onto the side of an enormous tractor trailor today. I'm guessing the truck contained thousands upon thousands of cookies, but I like to think it was filled with dynamite to blow up the Keebler Elf tree. I'm tired of it.

     If you go to the Keebler web site, a little elf greets you. And if you move your mouse to the door, you can actually go inside the tree! And click links! And see what the elves make!!!! They even have little biography's for the elves like they're real people. The head elf, Ernie, has a quote under the heading, "One thing I'll never understand." It reads, "Why humans tolerate cookies that are stamped out by metal machines."  ........... what? And his pet peeve is "people who don't believe in elves." ......... huh? Oh, I get it. The company that makes these cookies are using these elves to market and advertise said cookies to children. But Nabisco doesn't do this. You don't see a cartoon mouse with a fucking Oreo head marketing Oreos. You know why? Because the cookies are good!!!!!!!! You don't see a giant chocolate chip running around telling people to by those cookies. Why? Because those cookies are good!!!! I'm not saying that Keebler cookies aren't good, but sometimes, shit just sells itself.

 

     It's not really that they use cartoon characters to market their products. I'm fine with it. Everyone else does. It's the fact that they pretend these elves actually had a hand in making these cookies. No, they didn't. The cookies are made like every other cookie -- a mixture of ingredients are put together, mixed, poured, and, unlike what "Ernie" says, are stamped out by metal machines. No magic is involved.You don't see Tony the Tiger claiming he makes Frosted Flakes. You don't see the M&M guys claiming they make M&Ms. Why in God's name are we still led to believe that cartoon elves make our cookies? Even in that picture above, the little dialog is coming from the Elf's mouth. "How is my driving?" Do the drivers of these trucks have to dress up like these idiot elves??? When does it stop?!

     If Keebler did away with the elves, would the company still be the number 2 cookie manufacturer in the world? Yes. The cookies are that damn good. If elves were real, I doubt they'd be making cookies. They'd probably be causing problems for farmers and people who live near forests. I'm guessing nearly every elf puts in an application for work at Keebler (or the North Pole), and I doubt that one percent of them get hired. Imagine a permanent great depression -- 99 percent unemployment rate. I'd be willing to bet that elves are quite violent. Yet we are led to believe that they make our cookies. Do they ship them to Walmart themselves, or is there a middle man involved? Well I guess there would be, because I saw that truck today.

     The moral of the story is that advertising works because later on in the day I bought some Keebler cookies.